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September 4, 2014 / Andee Frizzell

Tastes Like Chicken?

tofurkeyThe other night I created a southwest themed dinner for Jack. I wanted to wear my cowboy hat indoors and at the table, the menu came as an after thought really.

Maple flavoured baked beans, brown sugar baked carrots, corn on the cob and of course, Shake and Bake fake chicken.

Presidents Choice makes an awesome simulated frozen poultry patty that I have been able to add to the most conventional menus, opening up so many tasty experiences for a previously denied vegetarian.

Fake food is a novelty for me. Hamburger patties made from soy, with grill marks included, fake ham for veggie Ruben’s and Bavarian sausage links to add to my break the fast porogies hash. Gone are the bleak days of eggplant domination and couscous monotony.

The real curiosity is not; what do they use to dye the fake T-bone shape into the fake steak but why, why am I continuously asked…Does that taste like the real thing?

How the hell would I know?

Aside from the occasional ‘meating’ (servers/ dinner party hosts; not totally versed on the ingredients, declare the aforementioned food meatless when in fact it is completely created of meat, leaving me to dispose of it discreetly, spitting it into my napkin or burying it in the planted foliage in the hallway); I have very limited understanding of how meat tastes.

Out at dinner one night, I was enjoying a beautiful Boston leaf lettuce salad topped with a creamy blue cheese dressing, accompanied by a sprinkling of Roma tomatoes and some figs when an odd flavour filled my mouth. Scrunching up my face like an old man yelling at youths on his lawn (mask of disgust with a hint of confusion as to why) I drew the attention of my dining companion.

“What’s wrong with the salad?” he asked.

“ I don’t know. It just tastes funky.”

“Funky how?”

“You know when you’ve been snow boarding all day and you don’t have a balaclava to cover your face, your lips crack and then for like a week after every time you smile or yawn or laugh your lips split and it leaves that awful iron taste in your mouth?”


“Yeah, I guess. It tastes like that.”

“Gimme that, there’s meat in your salad.” Turns out that those figs were from the backside of a pig, less like fig more like a bacon bit.

So, no, fake chicken doesn’t taste like chapped lips.


One Comment

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  1. arcticgoddess / Sep 8 2014 2:59 pm

    So you’re not a vegetarian! You’ve tasted your own blood. Cheater! 😉

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