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June 10, 2013 / Andee Frizzell

If The Phrase Fits

outhouseI’m on the search for a new computer. To the tek savvy this would seem like a trivial exercise in their advanced knowledge of highly sophisticated know how; for me though, it’s like standing in front of a wall of Egyptian hieroglyphics trying to decipher which symbol represents the Loo and its location.

Technology is advancing at such an incredible rate it can be out right depressing trying to navigate the language and usefulness of each new and improved gadget. I’m reminded of a conversation I had with Nan a few years back.

My Nanna and I were playing a game of dominoes in her farmhouse kitchen, built in the 1930’s, enjoying a few cups of strong black tea laced with scotch. For those of you that have never been in a Maritimers farmhouse house kitchen, let me describe it and for those of you that have never had scotch and tea, try it!

The kitchen makes up 75% of the house. All the other rooms, seven in total, are added on to the kitchen in a cloister kind of way. Of the seven other rooms, there is one, a back room where nine of my mom’s eleven siblings were born but not one designated as the toilet. That is located in its own house about five feet from the main house, also known as the outhouse.

My Nan’s kitchen has at the heart of it a massive, cast iron, wood burning stove that not only heats the house but also brings our tea to boil. In the seventies, around the time my Nan had electricity wired into the farmhouse, someone had given her an electric stove that sits to one corner unplugged and unused.

It’s 1997 at the time of the game of dominoes that I am referring to, and the farmhouse has changed very little since its conception. My Nan does have a phone now, attached to a party line which means everyone in a 20 miles radius can eavesdrop on your conversations and she has running water inside.

As Nan threw another log into the stove and poured us a second cup of tea, I noticed that the Christmas gift my mom had given her last year was no where insight.

“Nan, where’s the Christmas gift Mom send you?” I inquired.

She looked at me over the rim of her glasses and said nonchalantly, “Gots no rum fur it.”

Not one to be deterred by details, I pressed on, “Sure you do. Right there, between the wringer washing machine and that butter churn. You could even prop it up on that old stove you never use.”

“Lard Tunderin’ I ain’t in no need of a TeeVee in may kitchen.”

TV? “Nan, Mom didn’t get you a TV. It’s a microwave oven.”

“A Furkin whaa?”

Exactly the phrase I used when the Future Shop employee asked me what amount of GHz CPU’ and GB’s of ram I’d require in my new laptop.

“A Furkin whaa?”

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4 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Slam / Jun 11 2013 6:30 am

    Your too funny!

  2. Slam / Jun 18 2013 12:36 am

    I just read this to my daughter (the 21 year old) and we were both laughing until we cried. When my daughter could finally speak again she said, “I’m goin’ to the Furkin liquor store to get scotch, you put the tea on.” Things are going to get interesting…

    • Andee Frizzell / Jun 18 2013 1:01 am

      This is the best compliment I have ever received on my writing! Passing down the legacy of swearing with a pirate accent and drinking scotch laced tea to the next generation! Thank you Slam for continuing to read and comment on my posts! And for passing them on! It’s so appreciated! I raise my scotch to you and your daughter! Cheers!

      • Slam / Jun 18 2013 3:47 am

        This tea can knock you on your Furkin a$$. I know better than to try to drink like a Canadian.

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