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December 3, 2012 / Andee Frizzell

When Hank met Margaret

telemarketerExcerpt from a phone conversation I had this morning

Me: (to an unidentified caller) Hello? Who’s speaking?

Click, second click, silence

Caller: Hi, my name is Fred. I am calling on behalf of Online Ads to inform you of our great training program that will allow you to make money off the internet from the comfort of your own home.

Me: Hi Fred. I’ve received calls from your company in the past and have requested each time to be taken off your calling list.

Fred: I see. Well, I’ll mark that down on your file.

Me: That’s what your last colleague said she would do. Just out of curiosity how did you get this number in the first place?

Fred: You may or may not have requested the training information from one of our websites.

Me: May or may not have? I can assure you, I did not request any training info. What other way could your company have obtained my unlisted cell phone number?

Fred: There are many different ways in which our company obtains phone numbers. (in a creepy, whispered voice he adds) ‘very, very mysterious ways’. (back to normal tone ) I will add your file to our do not contact list.

Me: (WTF? Seriously?) Did you just whisper in a creepy voice ‘mysterious ways’? Clearly, you are not taking this request seriously. I want to speak to your supervisor.

Fred: Please hold.

Silence, then a terrible Muzak remake of Justine Beiber, Boyfriend plays. Now on second thought, maybe it wasn’t a remake… Ten minutes later….

Caller: Hello this is Hank, Fred’s supervisor. (this is said in the worst southern drawl I have ever heard, obviously Fred pretending to be his boss)

Me: (game on) Hello Hank. Wow! That’s a very thick accent you’ve got yourself there. Where are you from?

Hank/Fred: I’m from Red River Arizona. (which isn’t in Arizona, it’s in New Mexico)

Me: Really? What a coincidence. I have family in Red River. What’s your last name? Wouldn’t it be funny if they knew you?

Hank/Fred: (pause) Er… I feel my last name is irrelevant to this conversation. I will make a special note here on your file that you no longer wish to be contacted.

Me: Well, actually Hank from Red River, the reason I cannot accept your calls is that this is a business cell phone and all calls are recorded by my manager, for quality assurance and because they pay for all incoming calls. If you don’t mind holding, I’ll put my supervisor on the line so she can explain.

Hank/Fred: Well, er, I…

Silence, with Hank/Fred on mute I wait about two minutes…

Me: (in the worst English accent ever uttered) Helloooo…my name is Margaret,  I am the on duty supervisor. I can see by our files that we have requested our number to be stricken from your records three separate times. If this badgering continues I will have to take immediate action on the grounds of harassment and file a complaint against your company.

Fred: (accent dropped, voice rising, clearly annoyed, he knows its me) Listen, there’s no need to…

Me/Margaret: Furthermore… (stiffly relayed in my horrible pseudo British accent) I find your tone and manner aggressive.  Merely a suggestion, but you should enrol in our training courses. The course focuses on anger management and non violent communication. We have a holiday special on classes right now. If you register in the next four minutes, you will be eligible to win a multi coloured mouse pad.

Fred: What the…? I don’t need any fucking classes, ok. Don’t contact me again.


Touché’ Fred, touché’.


One Comment

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  1. Shannon / Dec 6 2012 9:11 pm

    I ❤ you Andee!!

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