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November 19, 2012 / Andee Frizzell

Celebrate the Good Times

My girlfriend Jordan invited me to go cloths shopping with her. I hate shopping, unless of course it is for groceries’, but hanging out with Jordan is always entertaining. She’s a calamity of ignorance.  So I agreed to go on one condition, a liquid lunch consisting of barley (beer).

Jordan was browsing through a selection of white linen pants, all the while; I lagged behind her, grumbling. The numbing beers I had were wearing off.

“Don’t you already have a pair of these?” I whined. I was sure she had lent me a pair for my trip to Barbados.

“I had a pair but I lost them the other night.” She added casually.

I perked up. “Lost them? How does one lose their pants?” I felt a shiver of excitement.

This is how. Jordon had just finished a grueling four week course that would enable her to up-grade to the next level in her job. To celebrate, she had purchased herself a beautiful, expensive bottle of wine that she intended to drink after her last exam.

She’d been cramping for the final exam into the wee hours of the night before and subsequently skipped breakfast the next morning. As the exam was an all day event, she also missed lunch, so once she drank the bottle of wine she was quite drunk. It was in this state of inebriation she ventured out to a nearby pub for some sustenance.

Nestled up on her barstool and feeling pretty proud of herself for finishing in top percentile of her class she ordered a bottle of champagne, then another. Now feeling totally bullet-proof, she decided to take a late night dip in the drink. (A.K.A Go for a swim in the ocean)

She wrapped what was left of her second bottle of champagne into a brown paper bag and headed to the beach. She staggered to the darkest part of the coastline and stripped down. At the top of the embankment she left her purse and her shoes but for convenience she took her clothes down to the rocks near the water.

It was a warm summer evening and she was wearing her white linen pants sans panties and a loose wrap top sans a bra, these she gingerly draped over the rocks as she slid naked into the water. After frolicking around in the sea for a while she headed back to the water’s edge to retrieve her clothes.

Unfortunately, the tide had gone out while she was swimming, taking her outfit with it.

Naked, she climbed up onto the rocks and sat facing very few options. She thought over her current predicament and the possible solutions for it as she finished off the last of her liquid courage.

She still had her purse, cash, phone and flip flops and she thought about hailing a cab to drive her the eight blocks home but dismissed the idea immediately after remembering that taxis are now equipped with video cameras and she feared she would end up as a Web Redemption on Tosh.O. She called a friend who lived nearby to bring her some clothes but they were out of town.

She figured her only course of action was to walk home, naked.

She climbed to the top of the embankment, slid on her flips and put her purse over her shoulder. She rationed that it was late, dark and she was in the gay getto. In her drunken reasoning, she assessed that no one would even notice a drunken, naked woman walking home from the beach. Armed with her little yellow purse and a whole lot of gumption, she held her head high and casually walked home, naked.

“WHAT?” I asked disbelieving. “You didn’t run like hell? Cover yourself with your purse?”

“No. I Lady Godiva ‘ed* it. I thought it would be much more conspicuous if I was running like a felon or holding a clutch to my privates. I even stopped and talked to some lady walking her dog about how nice the weather was.” Pause. “The worst wasn’t the walk home but the wait in my lobby for the elevator. I thought for sure one of my neighbours would catch me. Imagine the looks I’d get at the next Strata meeting.” She calmly explained as she held a pair of pants against herself to test the length.

*I recognize that I just used a person’s name as a vowel. But you get the idea no? 

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One Comment

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  1. eugene / Nov 20 2012 2:54 am

    Just a slight correction from a man of the sea. The tide would have to come in to get her clothes from the rocks,,, oh and I expect she was cramming for her exam, though if it was particularly tough she may have been cramping.

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