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October 15, 2012 / Andee Frizzell

Mondays Suck

I was waiting in line at Starbucks this morning for my wake up soy chai latte when I caught the whiff of what was unmistakably bad morning breath. I cringed. I live alone, I have no pets and the only other thing living in my apartment is a cactus. ( Truth be told, I’m assuming it’s still living but I suspect it died a few years back but who can tell, it’s a cactus! ) So usually my first spoken words in the morning are to a barista.

I knew I had brushed my teeth before I left but apparently today, Tom’s All-natural fennel flavour toothpaste had forsaken me. I sealed my lips shut and tried to breathe deeply through my nose because it was absolutely awful.

That’s when it became clear to me that the offensive odour wasn’t MY breath, but the dude standing directly behind me. Seriously! He was so close I was inhaling his halitosis and assuming it to be mine!

So I tried to shift my weight to my other foot to get out of the direct line of fire, unfortunately, that was at the same moment he decided to redistribute his own weight and shifted to lean the same way.

I was gagging at this point so I shuffled up a few centimetres closer to the patron in front of me when Mr. Breath Death shimmed closer to ME!

Now I was invading the personal space of the lady in front of me and I had Mr. Halitosis right up my ass. I thought briefly about ducking out of line and rejoining the fresh air area at the back but as I looked over my shoulder to get a better estimate of the length of the line; it had already snaked around to include ten more people. Shit!

I had no choice. I had to get this guy to back up…so I started coughing.

I started with a low rumble, hand over mouth, closed fist cough. Nothing. I flashed back to the Nyquil commercial audition I had last week and embodying the terminally flu’ish I started hacking my brains out. Shoulders trembling, knees lifting, head thrashing, an outright Meryle Streep worthy performance of “I am CONTAGIOUS”.

I was so committed to my part; I kind of forgot my original intention and ended up scaring the shit out of the lady in front of me. She stepped out of line but not before shooting ME the stink eye.

And then I heard the bad breath guy say to no one in particular, “Sick people should stay home and not subject the rest of us to their toxic germs. Jeezz…”

WTF!!! People should brush their teeth after eating SHIT sandwiches! And if they neglect to do this then these same people shouldn’t breathe through their mouths while creeping in a line up! THESE are the people who should stay HOME and not subject the rest of us to their TOXIC GASES!! Asshole!!

I screamed at him….in my mind. Today is clearly starting off on the wrong foot….

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3 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Chris / Oct 17 2012 4:38 pm

    You should have fed upon him, Andee 😀 No one messes with a Wraith Queen!

  2. erikavanbriel / Oct 19 2012 12:07 pm

    I laughed so hard! I could just imagine you performing that cough! Your heart attack performance is also a topper! I wish I had seen ‘the cough’ though!

  3. Stephenie LaMaina / Mar 4 2013 3:40 pm

    Somehow I have not been getting notifications when you post so I am catching up.

    I had something similar happen to me at a convention. I had a package of Colgate Wisps http://www.colgatewisp.com/wisp/HomePage in my bag so I took on out and gave it to the guy telling him that he needed it. He bitched to his friends that if I wasn’t a girl he would have punched me for embarrassing him. His friend said, “Then you would be embarrassed twice; I know that girl and she would wipe the floor with you!”

    Slam

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