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October 1, 2012 / Andee Frizzell

A Scary Movie

I am originally from the Maritimes. I was born in Charlottetown PEI. For those of you unfamiliar with the Canadian provinces, PEI is a tiny island off the east coast of Canada, just above Cape Cod. Those of you familiar with the Maritimes;  you’ve kissed a cod with Screech on your breath.

What everyone needs to know about Maritimers’ is that they are some of the friendliest people on earth. They drink whole heartedly, love to hang out in the kitchen at parties ( because that’s where the fridge with the booze is ) and they host all night jam sessions that include playing the ‘spoons’ and featuring a jig or two.

My friend Mark and his roommate Sara are from the Maritimes. Get a few drinks in them and that sweet rolling ‘rrr’ can be distinctly heard accompanied by a ‘lard tunderen jezus’ at an ear bursting volume inherit to all pure Martitimers’.

Mark and Sara have a tradition of co-hosting an annual ‘chocolate covered shroom’ dance off party. The magic mushrooms are packaged in little gift boxes and wrapped up with pretty pink bows.

Sara came home from work one day to find Mark rummaging through the fridge looking for a left over ‘party package.’

“Sara, did you eat the last ‘shroom?” he asked accusingly. She replied that she hadn’t. Mark commented that he had found a party package bow in the garbage. Still she maintained her innocence.

“Well, where the hell did it go then?” he pondered and suddenly, like someone turning on a light bulb in the basement, Mark knew exactly who had taken it, his oldest sister Margret, who was visiting from New Brunswick. “Sweet, jeezzus!”

As if on cue the front door burst open and Margret, a forty five year old, stay at home mother of four came bouncing into the apartment. Her naturally frizzy, fire engine red hair stood out at all angles and her cheeks were flushed from laughing. Dried tears stained her face and her blue eyes sparkled. She’d been out having the time of her life.

“May sweet jeezzus bay! I’d jurt sawd me the moost hillarrrious mooovie evar! Darn near peed me pants larfin so harrrd!”

“Margret, no big deal, but did you eat the chocolate left in the fridge?” Mark asked.

“Yeesss may deed. Jurt befare may went to thart thare mooovie.” She folded her arms and gave them a sideways glance, “Uzz little butches, turrin’ to hard it beheend thart thare cheeeeze!” Mark and Sara stood mouth agape.

“On the weest coast, they airn’t much far larlin. I was right roaring and they’d all jurst starred at may.”

“What movie did you see?” Sara probed inquiringly.

“The Blairrr Witch Project! May sweet jeezzus thart thare mooovie is a fookin’ rrright rrriot!”

To this day Margret thinks the Blair Witch Project is a fookin’ comedy.

(the paperclip spell check just gave me the finger)

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