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September 3, 2012 / Andee Frizzell

Emergency Exit

I was sitting across the table from Aaron. In this blog, all the names have been changed, except this one. Aaron…ladies you’ve been warned.

Aaron, as I was discovering with every word coming out of his mouth, was simply, an asshole. How was it I found myself on a Friday night, sitting in a pub across from this asshole? I was on a date.

A few months back I had attended a friend’s neighborhood BBQ and being the only single, was introduced to Aaron. I knew within the allotted three seconds that he was not a guy I’d date. I’m only guessing that Aaron didn’t know about the rule or care.

He pestered every mutual friend we had to convince me to go out with him. After a few months of this my friends actually began suggesting bribes to me just to get Aaron off their backs. Eventually I agreed, to the bribe ( a favourite bottle of pinot grigio ) and the date.

That’s how I ended up at the Grandville Room, listening to Aaron tell me about all his conquests. How the line up for his dance card had a waiting list and how he, as a finical wizard was young, rich and much in demand. Blah..blah…blah…

I slipped my phone out under the table so I could check the time and estimate how many minutes of my life were wasting away; precious  minutes I would never be able to get back. That’s when I noticed I had a text from my best friend Laura.

The title read ABORT DATE! ABORT! I opened the text and under the title was a photo she had lifted from Facebook.

I will add here, that I am not on Facebook. I just felt the universal WHAT THE FUCK? from you. Don’t judge me. I’ll save the Facebook rant for a future blog, back to Aaron.

My girlfriend Laura, knowing I was on a date with Aaron, (because she was the one who had offered the bribe) and knowing I was not on Facebook, looked him up. She found a very disturbing photo that she downloaded, (up loaded? I never know which one it is) and sent it to my Iphone.

The photo was a picture of Aaron, flanked by four Price Is Right beauties under each arm. Now you’re most likely thinking, ‘Price Is Right Beauties’ the lovely ladies that use their extracurricular talent of arm indication to introduce luxury items up for bid?

No. Not that kind of price is right, more like ‘name the right price’ and these, gesturing to the enormous assets protruding from their plunging neck lines, could be all yours. But that was not the disturbing aspect of the photo. It was the shirt Aaron was donning. In big white block letters set against a black backdrop were the words CUNT HUNT. Clearly, he had custom made this shirt for the extravaganza.

I had to escape this nightmare date before I ended up mounted, stuffed and hanging from a den wall over a roaring fireplace. I sent out a desperate text to everyone in my phonebook. It read, SOS, tragic date Grandville Room SOS ASAP!!

I got an instant reply from my friend Kimlar, who happened to be drinking at a pub down the street. Kimlar was ‘on way.’

My friend Kimlar is from Turkey, 6’9, plays basketball for UBC and speaks with a very distinct accent at a volume only reserved for hollering at Nascar.

Suddendly, the front door of the Grandville Room burst open and a disheveled giant, with wild rolling eyes thrust himself through the gaping entrance.

“Annndeeeee!” he bellowed. “Annnndeeeee!”

Everyone in the room froze and zeroed their eyes in on Kimlar.

“Andee!” he locked eyes on myself and Aaron, who I am very sure shit himself. Because I had a warning that Kimlar was on his way and I nearly peed myself at the sight of him.

“Andee,” still standing in the front door he shouted, ” You’re house is on FIRE! You must come now! Now!”

I turned to Aaron, ”I guess I better go.”

Prey 1, Hunter 0.

Booyaa!!

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5 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Eugene / Sep 6 2012 8:27 am

    I would have opted for ” The twins are vomiting all over your other children, be a good Mom and get home to them!” That way Aaron probably wouldn’t think he might call after the fire went out,,,,

    • Andee / Sep 9 2012 9:01 pm

      I’ll take that advice!! Still single and searching these tips can be mighty handy!! Thanks for following the blog G. And for your always very sound advice!!

  2. Carolyn Woods / Sep 10 2012 1:02 am

    I love this story!! Too funny!

  3. Chris / Sep 19 2012 5:22 pm

    LOL at the story! You always tell such funny stories! 😀
    I am sure you wont be single for long, you are a very beautiful woman.

  4. erikavanbriel / Oct 5 2012 8:29 pm

    I can’t breath!!! Haaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaa, my stomach is still cramped up! Dude ! Don’t ever stop writing this shit! It’s too much! Love it!…I want to read more but I don’t want to run out….okay I’ll have to pace myself or you have to write faster babe!

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