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August 13, 2012 / Andee Frizzell

A Few Things on My Mind

I totally found a splinter in my hand today. Seriously! I couldn’t believe it. I can’t remember the last time I had a splinter, an honest to God, splinter. I was suddenly transported back to being like six years old, standing in front of the toilet where my mom was sitting, squeezing my eyes tight and sucking air between my clenched teeth as she gingerly gouged the timbre from my epidermis; the tender moments of childhood.

But getting a splinter at six is understandable. Actually, more accurately, it’s outright expected. You, as in the universal you, so really me….jumping fences back when they were picketed (made of wood that is ) pre electrical, or barb wired or before the tops where glued with broken glass to deter pigeons from staging a loitering coup and shit in, when you could leap a fence, trespass through a neighbors yard to shave about a minute and a half off your get home from school fastest time record and not get shot….climbing trees, it was done, before today’s concerned citizen would call child health and welfare on the negligent parent that allowed such a deadly action to occur….dragging abandon bits of discarded lumber found haphazardly tossed in alley ways and the meridian between the split highway; for awesome fort building in the back yard. These were the times of acquiring splinters…and many, many scars.

I’m thirty-fricken-eight. How the hell did I get this splinter? I know that since I turned thirty, sleep has become hazardous. I wake up and my neck is kinked, I can’t feel my right arm, there is a kinda knife made of fire stuck in between my shoulder blades, age dictates that even sleeping will fuck you up….I’ve excepted this as all part of eventually turning 40 but a splinter?

What the fuck? Am I moonlighting in my sleep? Am I a late night salesperson at Home Depot, cutting huge planks of lumber at three am for the paranoid insomniac that’s building a panic room that will only be accessible from his bedroom closet?  Did I jerk off a pirate with not only a wooden leg but with a wooden pecker, for a couple of bucks? Am I a witch, flying over the sleeping innocents on my pre swifter? Ok. The last statement is totally ridiculous. Where would one even find an actual broom with a wooden handle? Kjjii? Doubt it. Ebay, more likely.

I started to think about how many splinters my hide has taken that I’ve just never noticed, I still haven’t figured out if the previous explanations can be disproven , ‘cept that last one and I don’t scan my body for foreign objects nightly or frequently enough.

I suddenly imagined all these lodged splinters wedged into my vellum, creating permanent microscopic tooth picks that can be only seen on an MRI.

I have way too much time on my hands.

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4 Comments

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  1. jldreyer / Aug 19 2012 7:39 pm

    Hey Andee
    This has nothing to do with this post, but I just wanted to say thanks for hanging out with Carolyn and me on Friday night in the bar at the Stargate con. It was so great to meet u and just gab away. Maybe next time we can join u at the casino. Good luck with UPS and seriously let me know if I can help in any way. I’ll yell at the for u, no problem. Thanks again. All the best. Jennie

  2. slamaina / Sep 9 2012 3:34 pm

    Hey Andee.

    This also has nothing to do with this post but I also had fun with you, Carolyn and Jennie in Chicago. The next time we definitely need to hit the casino.

    Let’s all meet up in Atlanta for Dragon Con 2013!

    Slam

    • Andee Frizzell / Sep 9 2012 8:16 pm

      Hi Slam!! Thanks for following my blog. Now you see why I need a professional personal assistant when I attend cons. Shanagans find me!! Lol

      • slamaina / Sep 9 2012 8:46 pm

        Just tell me where and when. (Though I don’t seem to be able to avoid shanagans either.)

        Slam

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